Victory in the Heartache

July 21, 2012, the St. Louis Cardinals beat the Chicago Cubs 12-0. At the time, it was one of the few things that made me smile that day. They had completely destroyed our biggest rival.

July 21, 2012, I was in Iowa in my roommate's wedding 240 miles away from home.

July 21, 2012, was my 21st birthday.

July 21, 2012, my Granny passed away.

I should note that I have a sense of humor, maybe slightly skewed or morbid, but that's okay. This isn't a post to get an, "I'm so sorry for your loss!" It's about the joy baseball brings me. Also, I know for sure that my Granny is in a much better place and reunited with my Papa in Heaven. He's sitting quietly and she's talking his ear off. Luckily he had hearing aids, so he probably has them turned off. He wouldn't bother asking God to restore his hearing in Heaven. Granny is eating frozen yogurt and Papa is eating ice cream, buckets and buckets of ice cream. And now on my birthday I get to celebrate doubly, because it's the day my Granny met Jesus. However, I wouldn't recommend you saying that to someone at a funeral, give them space to come to that conclusion in their own time! Moving on...

In March of 2012 my Granny had open heart surgery. After she went to a nursing home for rehab. By July she hadn't made it back home yet and had been in and out of the hospital a few times.

I was supposed to be in my roommate's wedding in Iowa and I knew my Granny would want me to keep my promise, so I still went.

Really late, the night before the wedding, the night before my birthday, my dad called to let me know my Granny wasn't doing well. I sat upstairs alone doing my best to pull myself back together. Emma, knowing she had planned her wedding on my birthday, had graciously surprised me with a party the night before her wedding. The rest of the girls were downstairs still enjoying my party.

The wedding day and my birthday came. I put on a smile not wanting to take attention away from Emma and Mike's wedding day. Although all the girls knew my sorrows, so they frequently made sure I was okay.

After the wedding I had a missed phone call from my dad. As soon as I got to my car to drive to the reception I called him back. Alone in my car, once again I was left pulling myself together. I called my friend Emily. My Granny had been just as much her grandma. I couldn't even get the words to come out of my mouth, but she knew why I called. We just sat in silence except for our sobs until I reached the wedding reception.

At the reception, Emma, the bride, was super sweet. Just like she had been all week. When she saw me get out of my car at her reception, tears streaming down my cheeks, she knew. She, the bride, instantly started taking care of me, wiping away my tears and fixing my makeup before we took pictures. (I have to admit, I'm quite proud of myself. In ALL of the billions of pictures taken that day, only one can you tell I had been crying!)

I managed to smile, laugh, and choke back tears through the entire reception. I put on a fake smile as people came up to me and said what a great birthday celebration this must be. They had no way of knowing on the inside my heart was in a million pieces.

At one point during the reception, a good friend and fellow Cardinal fan tweeted me, letting me know the Cardinals had slaughtered AND swept the Cubs for my birthday. I was thankful and smiled at her thoughtfulness to give me something to rejoice.

A few years later in 2017, the Cardinals weren't having the greatest season. A game with no defensive errors, an outburst on offense, a miracle of a come from behind finish, a rally cat, a player called up from the Minor Leagues were things to look forward to even when we lost, which was often and in the most humiliating of ways.

On July 21, 2017, I sent a group text to my Cardinal fan friends. (We refer to ourselves as the Council of GM's. Yes, council, like from the Lord of the Rings. In our minds we believe we would be outstanding General Managers for the Cardinals. In our hearts it would be a dream come true.) Anyway, I sent them all a text informing them we were going to win that day and I would tell them how I knew later. I think Brianna was the only one who sort of believed me, the others, all boys, just laughed in disbelief. It was okay though, I knew my Cardinals would prove me right.

I won't bore you with the details of the game, although it was very exciting. Over and over, I texted the council, "Happy birthday to me!" They might have been annoyed, but they knew it was my way of saying, "I told ya so!"

From Emily, a Cubs fan, in 2017.
(I know, how are we even friends?)
That makes this all the more special.

I view birthdays differently now than I used to. Emma has sent me sweet texts every year since 2012, one that lets me know she remembers it's an extremely bittersweet day for me. I appreciate it from Emma, because she was there, she knows, and she understands. I greatly treasure the people who don't know better though, because I still get the joyous texts one should get on their birthday. I truly value both.

Looking back on 2012, the Cardinals winning is a fond memory I have from that day. In 2017 I felt it in my heart that they would repeat the victory against the Cubs 5 years later. As usual, my Cardinals didn't disappoint. They won 11-4. A come from behind win after scoring 9 runs in the 8th inning.

Baseball, specifically St. Louis Cardinals baseball, is healing. Sometimes it's a distraction and escape from reality. It provides a brief smile and allows one to be happy even when their heart is breaking. Other times it's simply an enjoyable way to pass time. It's a way to bond with friends and family. It gives people something to talk about other than the weather.

Baseball. St. Louis Cardinals baseball. It's coming.

The Yips

When I got to my parents after my trip to Idaho for Spring Break, I saw a St. Louis Cardinals pennant on their table. I asked my mom where it came from, because I hadn't seen it before. They had gotten it for ME after they dropped me off at the airport. They had actually bought two different pennants and let my brother-in-law pick which one he wanted first. I started looking at mine a little closer and noticed it was the 2000 National League Central Division Championship pennant. What an odd coincidence!

While I don't particularly like reading, I do make myself read. In college, I realized I enjoy reading biographies, so that's what I tend to read now. Over Spring Break, I read Rick Ankiel's autobiography. My guess is most people reading this don't know who he is, so allow me to enlighten you.

Rick Ankiel, St. Louis Cardinals pitcher, eh, outfielder...

Rick Ankiel made his major league debut at 20 years of age with the St. Louis Cardinals in 1999 as a pitcher. (It doesn't take an obsessed baseball fan to know that 20 years old is very young to start a professional sports career.) He was brought up to the majors, like many minor leaguers, in August.

The following season, he began his rookie year in the starting rotation, quite impressive for only being 21. Ankiel finished 2nd in votes for the 2000 Rookie of the Year in the National League. He was good.

That October, the Cardinals made Post Season. The rookie was set to make his Post Season debut in Game 1 of the Division Series against Atlanta. The Cardinals were leading in the 3rd inning when Ank headed back out to the pitcher's mound.

He threw a wild pitch. That happens to pitchers on occasion, no big deal. Until he threw another wild pitch. Then another. And another. A total of 5 wild pitches, 4 runs scored on 2 hits, and 4 walks in the 3rd inning.

For whatever reason, Rick's body, mind, or soul wouldn't allow him to throw a pitch correctly. He ended his rookie year Post Season with 5 innings, 9 (kind of 13) wild pitches, and 11 walks.

The Yips.

The Monster.

The Thing.

Almost 20 years later, people still don't know what exactly happened to Ankiel on the mound nor what to call it. He uses The Yips, The Monster, and The Thing interchangeably in his autobiography.

However, stopping there wouldn't be much of a story, nor would it give much reason to him writing an autobiography.

He tried to come back in 2001 as a starting pitcher. He made 6 starts and tried everything to calm the nerves, anxiety, and voices in his head. It worked temporarily, but after his 6th start the pressure was too much and he asked Tony La Russa to send him down to the Minors.

Ank worked and worked to make his way back to the big leagues. I hate to imagine the amount of damage he did to his body trying to quiet The Monster. Finally, when he was 25 he walked into La Russa's office during Spring Training, said he was done, he couldn't do it anymore, and retired.

Retired. At 25. The only life he'd ever known. The life that was supposed to be better for him. Give him a way out of his difficult family life. A father who only wanted his money, was in and out of prison, making sure Rick knew he was worthless if he couldn't throw a strike.

Luckily, Ankiel's manager and psychiatrist (who had become like a father to Rick) had an idea, if they could get him on board with it. The pressure was on his pitching, but he had a decent bat, he had been a DH in the minors on days he didn't pitch. He should give outfield a shot.

La Russa and the rest of the Cardinals staff were all in agreement to give him a chance. I think they all had a soft spot for him, because no one in the world could explain what happened to his arm, or mind, 4 years earlier.

Finally in August of 2007, nearly 7 years after The Yips first inhabited him, he made his way back to the big leagues. Under the stadium lights, in his first game, he hit a home run. The St. Louis crowd went wild. Many of them knew his story, they knew the battle he had fought to return for this moment, and they were elated for him. La Russa, a man of one expression, even cracked a wide smile when Ankiel hit that home run. Bystanders in St. Louis that night said they knew something impressive happened at Busch that night, because the uproar could be heard all around the city.

Maybe even more impressive than his bat was his arm. Twice in one game that 2007 season, Ankiel launched a ball from center field to 3rd base for an out. He couldn't throw a ball 6o feet 6 inches for a strike, but give him 250-300 feet from the outfield to 3rd base, not being able to see his target, no problem!

Ankiel was back. He went on to play 3 seasons in St. Louis. He played for various other teams until he retired, again, in 2013. Now you can find him on Fox Sports Midwest from time to time, analyzing Cardinals games and inspiring young players who deal with anxiety.

There's a lot more to his story than can be written in an informative blog. If you like biographies and baseball, I recommend his book The Phenomenon: Pressure, the Yips, and the Pitch that Changed My Life. It's not an extraordinarily written book, but it sure is a beautiful and inspirational picture of redemption.

Getting the St. Louis Cardinals pennant from my parents made me happy. I love getting new Cardinals memorabilia. However, when I saw it was from the 2000 season, more specifically the NLDS Championship pennant, it gave me goosebumps. My parents didn't know I was reading Rick Ankiel's book during Spring Break. My brother-in-law just happened to leave that 2000 pennant to be mine. That season, more specifically, that NLDS series, was the series in which made Rick Ankiel the Phenomenon. It gave him the Yips, the Monster, the Thing, but it also made his story an inspiration to reach a lot more people. Now when I see my pennant, I'll be reminded of his story, his book, and my first trip to Idaho.

For any nerds like me, a link to watch Ankiel's career unravel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDZX525CSvw 

His come back home run at 2 minutes 40 seconds: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcWO0eBjh6Y

Ankiel's impressive throws to third: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cSgDflCF98

IS IT THURSDAY YET?!?!

Part Four: RIP Jack

Since I've already written about my apartment flooding, I figure I might as well tell the last (to my knowledge) ironic part of the story. Plus, Cardinals baseball season starts this week, so prepare for several Cardinals posts!

Sometime during the chaos when water was still overtaking my apartment, my dad called to see how things were going. He also asked, knowing the water started in my spare bedroom, how my St. Louis Cardinal bobbleheads were.

Sidenote:

My family goes to a lot of St. Louis Cardinals games. I think it's been going on 6 years now that we almost go exclusively to games with bobblehead giveaways. My spare bedroom has a travel theme, most notably a St. Louis Cardinals theme. Therefore, ALL of my bobbleheads I've collected the past 5 years are dispersed around the room. Also, I'm getting a new bobblehead April 7th, at my first Cardinals game of the 2018 season!

Back to the original story:

At the time, my dad didn't realize water wasn't really coming through the ceiling. So I assured him all my Cardinal boys were safe and sound. I found it quite humorous, my bobbleheads were the ONLY thing he specifically asked about that day. (You see where I get my priorities from!)

The weekend after I got to move back into my apartment, my parents came down to help me clean, redecorate, and replace lost items. My dad and I strategically placed my bobbleheads around the room. We did our best to group them with other players/managers/announcers from their decade of play.

Late one night, approximately two weeks later, I went in my spare room and caught a glimpse of a disaster. A shelf I had multiple bobbleheads on was now in the floor. To keep from crying, I called my mom. (Yes, on a school night for both of us, plus 11 o'clock at night, but this was urgent!)

As I talked to her, I nervously uncovered the rubble. I knew without a doubt at least one bobblehead was broken, based off of the detached head in the corner. I moved the glass soda bottle, it was fine. Gibby, Lou, Harry Carey, Whitey, and Ozzie were all fine! When I found the body of the beheaded Jack Buck, I started laughing uncontrollably.

The beheaded Jack Buck.
He's since been fixed good as new!

Truth be told, I had been fighting back laughter for quite some time. The thought had entered by mind of the irony of the current situation. The first thing my dad asked about during the flood were my bobbleheads. They survived the flood, yet they couldn't survive a normal Tuesday.

When I told my mom why I was laughing, she began laughing along with me. She had wanted to nearly the entire time, for the same reasons I had, but didn't want to offend me.

After rummaging through all of the debris,
I was left bewildered. My red shelf had a metal bar that ran across the bottom. When it fell, I could tell the metal bar landed on the corner of my printer (my printer had died in the flood and I hadn't disposed of it yet), because the bar was now bent. Two of the shelves were broken in half as well.

Once again, I was left feeling very thankful. The shelf can be replaced fairly easily with a new one. However, the bobbleheads, glass soda bottle, and other few knickknacks I had on the shelf would have been harder to replace. I'm still puzzled as to how the metal and wood bent, yet the ceramic and glass objects were unharmed. My dad and I concluded with God was proving where His team loyalty lies, that He is indeed a St. Louis Cardinals fan.

It's Coming

Today was busy. Hence the late blog post. Church, family lunch, a few extra hugs and kisses for my nephew, packing, telling my dogs goodbye, and driving 3 hours back to Webb City.

Tomorrow it's back to school we go from a delightful Spring Break that I'm still in denial about being almost over. I love teaching, I love my students, but I love Spring Break and always hate to see it end.

However, this year, this week following Spring Break provides a light at the end of a cold, dark, winter tunnel. No longer will I be sitting and staring out the window waiting for winter to end.

Thursday is coming. Thursday at noon, 12:10 to be exact, the cold, dark winter, becomes a bright and glorious spring day. One I've been anticipating since last October.

Thursday is when the quiet winter turns into bats cracking, balls whizzing, and crowds applauding. The dark winter nights become stadium lights. The frigid air slowly changes into a slight breeze with warm air on its way. A sea of red will make its way into Citi Field. Cardinal hopefuls will look ahead anticipating games going to late October this year.

Baseball. St. Louis Cardinals baseball. It's coming. Finally.

They Want You to Take the Rolls

“How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” ~Winnie the Pooh

A response to my friend who posted this “ugly cry in the airport terminal” kind of tribute after I left Boise yesterday.

Sure am thankful for this friend!
I’m equally as thankful for her. 

Thankful that some nursery workers sat us down beside each other to play.
Thankful for a double-head knot after she bumped her head in the corner of the room at Sunday School and me losing a tooth in vanilla soft serve after a Sunday night church field trip to the CreeMee. 

Thankful for years of being invited to each others birthdays.
Especially thankful for her on my 21st birthday. States apart, she sat with me on the phone crying after my Granny passed away. Then we told stories so I ended my birthday in tears of laughter not just sorrow. 

Thankful that church camp provided us so many uninterrupted hours of friendship.
Thankful that she was the sole reason I got over being homesick going to church camp. 

Thankful that she tried out for cheerleading because it made me try it too.
Thankful that she believed in me when no one else did, and when I didn’t even believe in myself. 

Thankful for years of cramming six people into her family’s sedan so I could have a ride to church.
Thankful she didn’t mind pouring out of the sedan looking like a clown car. Thankful she was there during first difficult transition of my life. Thankful for the numerous church pew shaking giggles we shared when choking on communion. 

Thankful she suggested I look at Christian colleges even if it wasn’t hers.
Thankful God answered this prayer when I thought it might not happen. 

Thankful she stood beside me when I married the love of my life.
Thankful she found a man who loves her like she deserves to be loved and is the Topanga to our Cory and Shawn friendship. They want you to take the cookies!

Thankful for four years of spring breaks spent in four different homes.
Thankful for the new adventures each spring brings. 

Thankful that after Bart and myself she was the first person to hold my daughter.
Thankful isn’t adequate enough to express how much that moment meant to me. 

Thankful that I get to watch Ainsley learn how great it is to be loved by this friend.
Thankful that Ainsley’s mom has loved me and stuck by my side during every phase of life.

#AuntCait #ActualBFF
#AuntieEmAuntieEm #CoryandShawn

Things to Remember

Dear Fututre Caitlin,

Next year when you are planning your Spring Break trip, here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Try to fly Southwest. Even if it costs a little extra, the easy check-in process and no charge for a checked bag is worth it. 
2. Do NOT leave Boise before the crack of dawn. No one wants to be awake at 3 in the morning. The coffee shops at the airport aren’t open yet. At 4 am, after checking in, you’ll want coffee, but you can’t get it. 
3. Write blogs ahead of time and schedule them to publish. You had a good start in 2018, but the last few days that weren’t scheduled were rough to get finished. 
4. When you leave for the airport at 3:20 in the morning you don’t get to kiss Ainsley goodbye, you and Emily don’t talk on the drive to the airport, and Bart is snoozing back at home making everyone jealous. 

I’m sure there are other important things to remember about Spring Break, but that list will suffice for now. You did do a good job this year by using your large suitcase so your carry-on was nice and light. Keep that up!

Sincerely,

A very sleepy, slightly teary-eyed, de-caffeinated Caitlin

Five More Minutes

It's my last day in Idaho. Tomorrow I'll be boarding a plane in the wee hours of the morning to head back to Missouri.

Spring Break always seems to start out slow, but then it's over before I know it. This year is no different. I feel like I just got to Boise yesterday. 

However, yesterday we celebrated Ainsley turning one and during some down time I went for a run in Bart and Emily's neighborhood. I could get used to running here. Their neighborhood borders the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. I usually don't stop when I'm on a run but yesterday I took time to stop and smell the roses, or gaze at God's beautiful handiwork. The snow covered mountains with grassy foothills in the forefront was a perfect way to welcome spring. 

Tomorrow, tears will probably be shed when I have to leave and I'll be wishing i could get five more minutes. But I still have today. So I'm going to not think about tomorrow and soak up my time I have with the Shaws today. 

Emily pulled into a church parking lot knowing
I wanted a picture of the snowy mountains. 

A view from my run
in Bart and Emily’s neighborhood. 

Stop and smell the roses.
Or take pictures of the mountains.