Victory in the Heartache

July 21, 2012, the St. Louis Cardinals beat the Chicago Cubs 12-0. At the time, it was one of the few things that made me smile that day. They had completely destroyed our biggest rival.

July 21, 2012, I was in Iowa in my roommate's wedding 240 miles away from home.

July 21, 2012, was my 21st birthday.

July 21, 2012, my Granny passed away.

I should note that I have a sense of humor, maybe slightly skewed or morbid, but that's okay. This isn't a post to get an, "I'm so sorry for your loss!" It's about the joy baseball brings me. Also, I know for sure that my Granny is in a much better place and reunited with my Papa in Heaven. He's sitting quietly and she's talking his ear off. Luckily he had hearing aids, so he probably has them turned off. He wouldn't bother asking God to restore his hearing in Heaven. Granny is eating frozen yogurt and Papa is eating ice cream, buckets and buckets of ice cream. And now on my birthday I get to celebrate doubly, because it's the day my Granny met Jesus. However, I wouldn't recommend you saying that to someone at a funeral, give them space to come to that conclusion in their own time! Moving on...

In March of 2012 my Granny had open heart surgery. After she went to a nursing home for rehab. By July she hadn't made it back home yet and had been in and out of the hospital a few times.

I was supposed to be in my roommate's wedding in Iowa and I knew my Granny would want me to keep my promise, so I still went.

Really late, the night before the wedding, the night before my birthday, my dad called to let me know my Granny wasn't doing well. I sat upstairs alone doing my best to pull myself back together. Emma, knowing she had planned her wedding on my birthday, had graciously surprised me with a party the night before her wedding. The rest of the girls were downstairs still enjoying my party.

The wedding day and my birthday came. I put on a smile not wanting to take attention away from Emma and Mike's wedding day. Although all the girls knew my sorrows, so they frequently made sure I was okay.

After the wedding I had a missed phone call from my dad. As soon as I got to my car to drive to the reception I called him back. Alone in my car, once again I was left pulling myself together. I called my friend Emily. My Granny had been just as much her grandma. I couldn't even get the words to come out of my mouth, but she knew why I called. We just sat in silence except for our sobs until I reached the wedding reception.

At the reception, Emma, the bride, was super sweet. Just like she had been all week. When she saw me get out of my car at her reception, tears streaming down my cheeks, she knew. She, the bride, instantly started taking care of me, wiping away my tears and fixing my makeup before we took pictures. (I have to admit, I'm quite proud of myself. In ALL of the billions of pictures taken that day, only one can you tell I had been crying!)

I managed to smile, laugh, and choke back tears through the entire reception. I put on a fake smile as people came up to me and said what a great birthday celebration this must be. They had no way of knowing on the inside my heart was in a million pieces.

At one point during the reception, a good friend and fellow Cardinal fan tweeted me, letting me know the Cardinals had slaughtered AND swept the Cubs for my birthday. I was thankful and smiled at her thoughtfulness to give me something to rejoice.

A few years later in 2017, the Cardinals weren't having the greatest season. A game with no defensive errors, an outburst on offense, a miracle of a come from behind finish, a rally cat, a player called up from the Minor Leagues were things to look forward to even when we lost, which was often and in the most humiliating of ways.

On July 21, 2017, I sent a group text to my Cardinal fan friends. (We refer to ourselves as the Council of GM's. Yes, council, like from the Lord of the Rings. In our minds we believe we would be outstanding General Managers for the Cardinals. In our hearts it would be a dream come true.) Anyway, I sent them all a text informing them we were going to win that day and I would tell them how I knew later. I think Brianna was the only one who sort of believed me, the others, all boys, just laughed in disbelief. It was okay though, I knew my Cardinals would prove me right.

I won't bore you with the details of the game, although it was very exciting. Over and over, I texted the council, "Happy birthday to me!" They might have been annoyed, but they knew it was my way of saying, "I told ya so!"

From Emily, a Cubs fan, in 2017.
(I know, how are we even friends?)
That makes this all the more special.

I view birthdays differently now than I used to. Emma has sent me sweet texts every year since 2012, one that lets me know she remembers it's an extremely bittersweet day for me. I appreciate it from Emma, because she was there, she knows, and she understands. I greatly treasure the people who don't know better though, because I still get the joyous texts one should get on their birthday. I truly value both.

Looking back on 2012, the Cardinals winning is a fond memory I have from that day. In 2017 I felt it in my heart that they would repeat the victory against the Cubs 5 years later. As usual, my Cardinals didn't disappoint. They won 11-4. A come from behind win after scoring 9 runs in the 8th inning.

Baseball, specifically St. Louis Cardinals baseball, is healing. Sometimes it's a distraction and escape from reality. It provides a brief smile and allows one to be happy even when their heart is breaking. Other times it's simply an enjoyable way to pass time. It's a way to bond with friends and family. It gives people something to talk about other than the weather.

Baseball. St. Louis Cardinals baseball. It's coming.