Here Goes Nothin'

Writing. I am starting to understand how my students feel when I tell them to free write. They often shift in their chair, stare at their paper, and twirl their pencil around their fingers, while I walk around reminding them to just write something. Now I feel as though the tables have turned. It's my turn to do the writing. My mind is blank. I'm staring at a computer screen. If I had a pencil in my hand, I would be twirling it around my fingers.

However, if I'm honest, my mind isn't completely blank. I have plenty of thoughts spinning around in my head. I have past stories to tell, from my mere 25 years of life, as well as new stories that happen every day. It is more out of fear which causes me to not want to write. If there is one phrase to summarize my life, I think credit would be given to Theodore Roosevelt for saying, "Comparison is the thief of joy." I all too easily compare myself to others. Am I smart enough? Am I talented enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I good enough? Am I... enough? All of my doubts and insecurities creep into every thought spinning around in my brain. Inwardly, my normal joyful and optimistic personality is crushed into a million pieces, while outwardly I try to put on persona of confidence.

Writing. It forces me to be open with people. It makes me come out of my shell and allow people to see a side of me I typically save for my close, inner circle of friends and family. I have built a trust in them, so I feel comfortable showing them my quirky personality. They don't deflate my joy, because I know they won't judge me. They won't make me feel stupid, untalented, ugly, or unworthy. But, YOU, whoever is reading my "Slice of Life," I might not know so well. YOU might judge me. YOU might steal my joy.

Most days I have to remind myself I am enough. God created me to be unique. He made me smart enough, talented enough, pretty enough, and good enough to accomplish whatever it is He has planned for me. I just have to be brave enough to try new things, because sometimes in life we have to push ourselves outside of our comfort zones and dare to do the things that intimidate us.

So, here goes nothin'.

For a month, my pen (so to speak) will be hitting the paper. I will choose to let God control my thoughts when comparison creeps in to take away my joy. In the end, I might just become more understanding of my students when their minds go blank while writing. Because, for a month, their teacher will shift uncomfortably in her chair, stare at her computer screen, and wish she had a pencil to be twirling around her fingers.