Friday, March 10, 2017

Learning to Fly

There's a line in a poem by Erin Hanson, "What if I fall? Oh, but my darling what if you fly?" Sometimes the fear of failure keeps me from doing things, but other times, it ignites a fire within me to try harder so I can know what it feels like to fly.

I had been working on landing my aerial (no handed) cartwheel for YEARS! During all those years of trying, it was at the last split second, I would put one hand down on the mat right as my feet were hitting the ground. It was frustrating. My coaches did their best to reassure me I had didn't need my hand, even joking they would tie my hand behind my back so I wouldn't put it down. It didn't matter though, because somewhere in the back of my mind was doubt. I doubted that I could actually land it, so my hand always found its way down.

One day while practicing more failed aerials, I took a break and went to the bathroom. When I got back, my coach told me while I was gone, my friend had landed her aerial. How could this be?! Emily had been attempting hers for maybe a year; I had been trying for more years than I cared to admit! Feeling defeated, exceedingly jealous, and more motivated than ever, I took my spot on the mat.

Staring down the long, blue springboard, I visualized what I needed to do and took a deep breath. I was off. I raised my heels to the tips of my toes and stepped. Left. Right. Left. I was building power each time a foot hit the floor. Hurdling my right leg in the air, I used every ounce of my jealousy to push my right leg down with all the force I could muster up, catapulting myself into the air. My arms flew back, my body flung forward, as my head went sailing toward the ground, and my legs went hurling over my head.

The moment of truth had come. I had made it to this point, oh, so many times before. This moment could make all of the other attempts not feel like failures. It could make all of the times I slammed my knees into the mat upon landing, turning them blue and purple, worth it. It would slightly take away the envy I had for Emily landing hers first. All I had to do was trust myself.

As my legs descended, my shoulders made their way upright, my arms remained glued tightly by my side, and my feet hit the ground. Finally, my hand hadn't escaped at the last second. I did it! I landed my aerial cartwheel. Instead of bursting into a joyous celebration, I stood completely stunned.

The closest evidence I have of ever doing an aerial.
Suddenly, both my friend and coach started laughing. They were beaming with pride. It turns out, while I was in the bathroom, Emily had NOT landed her aerial cartwheel. They had lied. The two of them schemed together, because they knew by telling me Emily had gotten her aerial, it would strike the stubbornness inside of me enough to accomplish a long, sought out goal.

I have to admit, they were right, and I am so very glad they lied to me. At last, I had overcome the doubt inside my head and all of my attempts no longer made me a failure. Finally, I knew what it felt like to be able to fly.



3 comments:

  1. Competition.....the word that can trigger a monster inside of us that pushes us beyond limits we have set for ourselves!

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    Replies
    1. How true that is! I think someone else should be blogging her words of wisdom...

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  2. I have never done a cartwheel. I am to scared to try.

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