Lazarus and a Blue Jacket

When people think of the color blue, it is likely, they think of the sky. In Pod 34, they might think of Mrs. Crouch’s homeroom. Others may think of bluebirds, Cookie Monster, or blueberries. The list could go on and on. However, I think of my blue Nike jacket and how I had to allow God to be my joy after a tragic day in 2012.

Blake was a cute 3 year old boy at our church. Throughout high school, and weekends I went home during college, I helped in the nursery. Over the years, I had his 2 older sisters, him, and his little sister, Faith.

February 16th started like any other day at Ozark Christian College, until 8:43am when my sister called. Her words were short, but far from simple, “Cait, Blake died.” My heart sank and my stomach felt like it was in my throat. She continued to say it was a car wreck, but something seemed fishy and stories weren’t lining up.

Throughout the course of the day, the final news I received was hard to take in. If it were a car accident, it would have been sad enough. I understand that because Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, they brought sin into the World, and it ultimately brought death, sometimes all too soon and tragic. I had experienced death in my own family before, but Blake’s was different. In the end, it wasn’t a car wreck, it was child abuse. Blake’s mother’s boyfriend had a temper. Blake’s mother covered up for her boyfriend. Blake’s 3 year old sister, Faith, had to be the witness to testify her brother’s murder. I was crushed, confused, heartbroken. This was beyond any sadness I had ever experienced in my 20 years of life.

I could end there. Sad and tragic, but that would be cheating God out of revealing His comfort in times of mourning. You might also be left wondering what the color blue and a Nike jacket has to do with anything.

I ached to be back home with my hurting church family. I tried hard not to question why God would let something so gruesome happen to a small child. I forced myself to see the little blessings God would show me each day. I don't believe it was a coincidence that back in January when I had to choose my exegetical topic for Life of Christ class, I had chosen Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. I had learned it was one of three times in the Bible, where it references Jesus crying, and it was over the death of a friend. Most people know the verse, John 11:35, "Jesus wept." Wept, or in Greek, dakryo is a shedding of tears. Even Jesus, who knew in minutes he would be raising Lazarus from the dead, and in the coming months he himself would conquer the grave, shed tears of sorrow over death. I clung to that knowledge, believing and trusting God knew what He was doing.

Now for the blue part. Blue is the ribbon color for child abuse awareness. With the help of modern technology, a high school girl in our youth group organized for people to wear “Blue for Blake” the day after his death. Unfortunately, blue is not a common color in my wardrobe but I lived in a dorm of girls, so my best friend let me borrow her blue Nike jacket. Between the tears Brianna saw me shed for days on end and me continuing to wear her jacket for several weeks, she ended up giving it to me.

Five years later, when I think of the color blue, I still think of Blake and I still wear that blue Nike jacket. When I wear the jacket, it reminds me to pray for Blake’s family, especially his sister Faith, who saw way more than the eyes of a three year old should ever see. It reminds me of witnessing my church family step up and shower Blake’s grandparents with love, prayer, and support in the midst of their tragedy. It reminds me of the kindness and generosity my best friend showed me in a time I was hurting and searching for answers. Blue reminds me of the strength and hope I had to find in Jesus in order to find joy in life after tragedy. Now that I am a teacher, it reminds me to have a little more grace and compassion for the kids who walk through the doors of my classroom. It reminds me that sometimes what appears to be an ordinary, blue, Nike jacket becomes way more than what the makers intended it to be.

A sweet moment with Faith from Blake's memorial service.