Copy and Paste

It's Slice of Life 2019 and I have stared at my blank computer screen more hours this week than I care to admit. I always hate the first blog of the month. I want it to be impactful, but not overly serious. I want it to give my fellow slicers a glimpse of what they'll be reading for the month, but let's get real, I don't have a plan for what I'll be blogging each day. I have ideas, but those change as frequently as Missouri's weather. And honestly, I wish I could just copy and paste my first ever blog post as my first blog each year. It was real. It was raw. It was vulnerable. The only thing it lacked was to adequately express my love for, addiction to, and obsession over the St. Louis Cardinals and coffee. (You'll be tired of my Cardinal's stories by the end of the month. Sorry, not sorry!). While it feels like cheating, the message of being enough seems an appropriate reminder for today, so once again, here goes nothin'...

My first ever blog post, circa 2017:

Writing. I am starting to understand how my students feel when I tell them to free write. They often shift in their chair, stare at their paper, and twirl their pencil around their fingers, while I walk around reminding them to just write something. Now I feel as though the tables have turned. It's my turn to do the writing. My mind is blank. I'm staring at a computer screen. If I had a pencil in my hand, I would be twirling it around my fingers.

However, if I'm honest, my mind isn't completely blank. I have plenty of thoughts spinning around in my head. I have past stories to tell, from my mere 25 years of life, as well as new stories that happen every day. It is more out of fear which causes me to not want to write. If there is one phrase to summarize my life, I think credit would be given to Theodore Roosevelt for saying, "Comparison is the thief of joy." I all too easily compare myself to others. Am I smart enough? Am I talented enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I good enough? Am I... enough? All of my doubts and insecurities creep into every thought spinning around in my brain. Inwardly, my normal joyful and optimistic personality is crushed into a million pieces, while outwardly I try to put on persona of confidence.

Writing. It forces me to be open with people. It makes me come out of my shell and allow people to see a side of me I typically save for my close, inner circle of friends and family. I have built a trust in them, so I feel comfortable showing them my quirky personality. They don't deflate my joy, because I know they won't judge me. They won't make me feel stupid, untalented, ugly, or unworthy. But, YOU, whoever is reading my "Slice of Life," I might not know so well. YOU might judge me. YOU might steal my joy.

Most days I have to remind myself I am enough. God created me to be unique. He made me smart enough, talented enough, pretty enough, and good enough to accomplish whatever it is He has planned for me. I just have to be brave enough to try new things, because sometimes in life we have to push ourselves outside of our comfort zones and dare to do the things that intimidate us.

So, here goes nothin'.

For a month, my pen (so to speak) will be hitting the paper. I will choose to let God control my thoughts when comparison creeps in to take away my joy. In the end, I might just become more understanding of my students when their minds go blank while writing. Because, for a month, their teacher will shift uncomfortably in her chair, stare at her computer screen, and wish she had a pencil to be twirling around her fingers.